The first month

Yesterday marked our first month married. It's been tough baby. Really tough. From my discovering you had an open dating profile online to your taking a huge job change without telling me it has been a real roller coaster. I love you, and I know you love me, but I cannot trust you anymore. You say you did not know the profile was still up, but it said you were on it three days before I found it. You say you had no idea, but you were getting emails showing you your new matches. I don't buy it, sorry. Yes you closed that email account and opened a new one and gave me the password. Yes I do check it, and there have been no other messages, yes I saw you cancel your profile, and have checked to make sure it has stayed cancelled but WHY THE HELL am I even having to do this in the first place? You said last night I am not the same girl you were dating, that I am angry and quick to be irritated. Well no shit Sherlock. I am processing a lot. A lot. For about two weeks I was not sure if I was going to stay with you. But I am. Not for you, or for me, but for the kids that would be so hurt by yet another upset in their young lives. Then you cannot understand why I am so upset that you took a transfer to a different location. Yes, it is closer to home and that is nice, no doubt. And yes it is one step closer to your becoming GM and all that comes with it, but the down side is you now will not be home at all three nights a week. This week after today I will not see you again until Saturday. Next week you only have one day off. That sucks. And you know what? I will be bored. And lonely. And that is NOT a good combo for me at all. Idle hands being the Devil's workshop and all. You really just have no idea...Have I been different since we got married? Probably. Will I get over it? Probably. Has it changed my love for you? Probably.

Here's to hoping the next month is better.

I saw a penis!

Well. Okay. It is not the first time by any means. But all I can say is after an endless series of titties and butts and bush it was quite the surprise! No, we were not watching porn. We were watching the HBO series "Rome". This was episode six or seven and it had just been a literal parade of Roman boobage. Imagine my delight when what appears on the screen but a penis! And not just your run-of-the mill penis either. This was magnificent. Beautiful. A true appendage to be proud of. The main female character bought him (or it) as a gift for her sister in law to make up for screwing her husband. Huh. Wonder where I can get a sister in law like that?

I suppose my point is this. It is to the point with women on screen that seeing a bare breast is nothing, comparable to seeing a belly button or a butt crack. Now "Rome" goes further with full frontal female nudity (who knew they waxed in ancient Rome!) and I had made a comment to Delicious Husband that maybe we women would like to see a little sumpin too! And then lo and behold...penis.

Funnily enough "Rome", for all its intended eroticism, falls short. Sometimes it is what is not seen that is the most titillating. We just finished watching "True Blood" on Showtime, and while there are plenty of sex scenes and plenty of boobage, it is much sexier because of what you don't see.

The ex wife

"Mama J, how old are you?" " I'm 42." "Oh. Our mom is 30. You are a lot older than her."

And I am. Twelve years to be exact. Quite the age difference. My Delicious Husband is indeed younger than I, but only by four years. So, first wife was considerably younger than him, second wife older. If you ask him he prefers me being older. I am well settled in my life, no longer "finding myself" and very comfortable with who I am. My goals are clear and I am reaching them. I have a career, and am very independant. Maybe too much so.

But. Then again. When I am 50 she will still be in her 30's. I can't help but wonder if at that point he will look at her, still young, and then at me, not young, and think....what if?

She left him for another man. Walked away from this beautiful man taking his children and his self esteem with her. Almost three years on he has clearly moved on, but the scars are there. She was at our house last night, dropping off something for the kids. She brought her ultrasound pictures with her of the baby she is carrying. The father is the man she left Delicious Husband for, this is her second pregnancy. The first pregnancy ended tragically. Thankfully this baby is healthy and normal. Looking at the pictures I was filled with a longing for something I will never have, a child with my husband. Yes we have five between us and a baby is the last thing we need, but still...a baby. With him. How lovely that would have been.

Monogamy.

Some thoughts on monogamy. Experts for years have posited males are most likely to engage in infidelity due to an innate need to "spread their seed" and due to this male infidelity is often met with a chuckle and and attitude of "what are you going to do"? But a woman commiting adultry? Well. Now we have a totally different story. We are not supposed to have those urges, the need for extra marital satisfaction. And when a wife cheats the news is greeted with shock and disbelief. Here is a bit of news for you. A wife has needs. Deep needs. And when those needs are not being met, an affair happens. Several of my friends have engaged in affairs. Reasons are varied but I don't believe they matter. I wonder if I will be able to remain faithful. My desire level is high, and I crave sexual excitement. It is a real fear I have, especially since my husband was cheated on and it literally destroyed him for a time. I look in his gorgeous loving eyes and want to believe I will never cause him pain, but can anyone say anything for sure? I know of women who have numerous "affairs", affair being loosely used. More like encounters...Regardless, they love and adore their husbands but need something they cannot give them. Excitement maybe? A break from the mundane tasks of a wife and mother? A chance to feel desireable, sexy, coveted? Women who cheat...are you one of them? Tell me about it...why...when...with who...and is it worth it? I have my opinion...

The first three weeks

Definitly a time of adjustment. Two people come together that have been very independent and living on their own for an extended period of time I guess issues are going to come up. I like the house very neat and tidy. He could not care less. I need silence to sleep. He needs talk radio on. I detest the TV. He loves it. I love to listen to music when I am cooking. He does not like the music I listen to. I enjoy a glass of wine or a beer in the evenings. He is a recovering alcoholic. He is inordinately proud of his John Thomas and shows it to me every chance he gets. He thinks farting is the funniest thing on the planet. But there are good things as well. His smile when he comes home from work. His laugh. Spontanious sex. Watching him walk around the house with no shirt. (He has a delicious lean hard body) Feeling like I am in a cocoon of safety and security. What you see is what you get with him. Good and bad. He listens to me, and takes in what I say. He values me and my opinions. He seeks my advice. He respects me. Maybe, just maybe, this time I have it right.

What I learned from your cheating man

I suppose this has nothing to do with being a new bride, but on second thought maybe it does. You see, I have knowledge many women do not have. I know why your husband cheats. Now, I know that not all men cheat and when they do it can be for various reasons, but I can only speak from my experience. You were affectionate at first, right? Kisses when he came home, little touches here and there, passionate sex. Then the kids came, the bills came, you are tired, not in the mood, too busy to reach out. He adjusted. He missed the affection, the passion, the love, but he decided it is what it is. Then you began to refuse him altogether. Made him feel like wanting to have sex was wrong, disgusting to you, and he came to realize there was a problem. You went to counseling and admitted to him and the counselor you have no interest in sex and he will just have to accept it. So he did. Then. Well. One day he got an email from a reunion web site that "these people have joined your community" and my name was there. And he remembered me. He smiled with the memories, I was his first love. He sent me a message, I responded. He did not mention you at first, when pressed said you were separated. We emailed, then called. Then one day he said he was coming to visit his family and would love to see me and catch up. The attraction when we saw each other again was intense and undeniable. He was still one of the most gorgeous men I had ever seen and he said I had not changed since he last saw me at age 19. We ended up in a hotel room that night, making love for hours and hours. He wept when he entered me the first time, kept saying how long it had been and how beautiful this was. We became a drug to each other, he healing my wounds, me filling a deep need for affection and sex you had left empty. I guess it was about six months into the relationship I found out you were not separated. By then I was hooked. He was hooked. We clung to each other, the old feelings we had at 15 and 16 still there but magnified by the fact we could now act on the urges, and the desires, we did not understand in our younger years. After time the contact slowed due to other things entering our lives, but we knew the other was there, waiting. All it took was one text call or email and we were right back where we were when it all started. It's over now. Reasons are not important. But here is what I learned. Your husband needs touch, love, affection, laughter, understading, passion, spontanious sex, you to dress up, buy toys to surprise him, soft kisses before he leaves for work, a thank you for something small he did, tell him he is hot, you want him, send him a sexy text out of the blue, but most of all give him the sex he so deeply craves needs and desires to be fulfilled. If you don't, someone else will. I promise.

Confessions continued

Hmmm...maybe today I will make a few real confessions. Here goes...

I really do not enjoy talking on the phone.
Sometimes I resent my children.
I am beyond poor.
My mom makes me insane.
Sometimes, when I see a guy on a motorcycle, I want to jump out of my family truckster, hop on the bitch seat, and just go. And not come back.
When I was five I stole candy from the Brach's Pick-a-Mix at the local Safeway.
I used to be so terrified of people that I would not even call to order a pizza.
Sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I hate what I see and become angry at God for making me have to go through life looking like I do.
I adore men.
And they seem to adore me back. Go figure.
Maybe, just maybe, I have not behaved at times as a young lady should.
I was once a mistress.
But I did not know it....

Well, that last one is a biggie. I think I will leave it at that for now.